Day 99

North fork feather river to hat creek - 29 miles

Total - 1371.1 miles

Truly one of the harder days on trail for me. Woke up and vibes were off for me as well as everyone else. I don’t think anyone slept well for some odd reason. I didn’t think I was in the most foul mood but according to Caleb, he could pick up on it instantly. He was also in a mood as well so we were off to great start. I don’t know why but I was just angry all morning. Felt great physically but clearly mentally I was feeling some sort of way. Today also was all in a burn zone still so that did not help. We did the first 6 miles to a geyser aka a geyser that doesn’t spurt water but just steams but that’s what the sign said - geyser. It smelled like shit like all geysers do but it was cool to see something so different on trail. Even seeing the geyser couldn’t soothe my thoughts of anger so I thought sad music would. Instead I just got sad and angry at the same time. The two emotions switching every ten minutes it felt like. Eventually we got to a campsite to eat a snack and again, vibes were foul between Caleb and me. I didn’t think I was in a foul mood but again clearly I was. I got up after awhile and started hiking. I pretty much hiked alone until the lake which I waited for Caleb as he doesn’t have a filter. Vibes were off and I tried to play up that I was okay and immediately got checked by him asking if I was okay. Of course I lied DUH…I’m just a girl as well as passive aggressive. We had to duel it out a lil. I decided that I was going to push a lil ahead to get a reset from the whole situation as we have been bickering for the past couple of days. All of which have been resolved but something was just up. I of course cried becuase everytime I express my true feelings about something, the water works always come goddamit. I do think it shows that I care a lot. He was super sweet about it. I then kept walking thinking I would camp a couple miles ahead to get a reset and I let Caleb know that. Ideally, I wouldn’t want to camp alone but we had just been going head to head so much that I was thinking the distance makes the heart grow fonder lol. So that was my plan. I cried for the next mile and a half I think under the blazing sun while walking. I truly don’t know what is up with me recently but I feel on edge, wanting to pick fights or just taking things too seriously. I couldn’t pin point why I’m so angry and so sad all at the same time. I’m not tired physically or mentally of trail. I love the trail but the social aspect like I was talking about yesterday has been waying me down. I feel like I’m not fun, or I’m not as funny, or Caleb won’t want to be friends with me because of those reasons. It’s just been hard. Obviously I know I am all those things but recently the anxiety has been compounding on top of the time anxiety which is just making me spiral. Then my phone died so I couldn’t listen to music to hopefully drown out all my thoughts so I actually had to face them head on. I felt really bad about lashing out at Caleb when he was just checking in on me, so I started planning my third apology. After trekking through pristine flag burn scars of lassen national park, I reached the end when I turned around to see Caleb trailing me. I stopped and did my big apology while once again crying. He did a very nice apology and speech for me as well as we both were planning it on our seperate hikes today. Super reassuring about everything which was needed (not that he didn’t tell me yesterday lol) and said if I needed to have this conversation a million times over he would. I appreciated that a lot but I do realize, you can only have a conversation so many times before you gotta put out your own fires. After we had the conversation, I didn’t want to push further mainly because we resolved it (once again, goddamit Aida) and my feet were fucking hurting with 2.5 miles left to go. I needed a nice soak and roll out on the ball. So we pushed together and just talked about the situation some more. I just need to be more honest with my feelings if I’m feeling bad, neutral, or good. That will relieve some of his anxieties of wanting to fix everything. The trail is great therapy people. Don’t pay for therapy just walk 2650 miles with people that you are willing to fight for their friendship and be honest with them. Really brings you down to earth. I think I am just in a social slump where I haven’t had much time alone. Like relaxing time alone instead of hiking time alone which is completely different. Caleb and I said we need to be better at introducing ourselves to other hikers and talking to them as it is easy to just be in your own little bubble of trail friends. That’s what we did when we got to camp. We rinsed off all the nasty dirt off our bodies when we went to go set up for dinner when a woman walked into our camp and said hi. Her name was spiffy and she did the trail in 2023 but had to skip the sierras and Northern California as it was the big snow year. She is super nice and we had a good long, funny conversation with her throughout dinner. She is super cool and also lives in portland!!! We ended up exchanging numbers and socials after chit chatting with her. I also got a text from rocklicker that he’s going to skip up to burney mountain resort where we plan on staying the day after tomorrow to catch up and also heal the injury. Apparently he has been downplaying it to us so a good 4-5 days of true rest will help it a lot. We are super excited to see him again, as we were falling apart the past couple of days. He also saw crazy Debra in Chester. The woman wants him so badly. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day as it is day 100 for Caleb and I tomorrow. I feel like I hit a low again today but it ended good. But that’s how yesterday and the day before that went so I just want to have a good day without anxiety riddling my mind whether is be social, time, or water carries. I just want to be back to my old self.

I forgot to mention, Caleb and I tried to figure out why I have been in a funk lately. Truly I think it’s mainly because I am about to start my period, but also we have been walking through a burn zone for a couple days now in between multiple towns. I think both those reasons have probably been affecting me as well as Caleb. So different from walking in a shaded, cool area surrounded by green. A barren landscape with jagged tree logs everywhere scarred black with no green in sight besides the prickly bushes untying your shoes and scratching up your legs. That’ll make you cry. And apparently it is according to all the tears I’ve shed the past couple of days. We are back and better than ever though. Tomorrow will be my day.

Lassen peak was also phenomenal to look at. Would like to climb it someday.

Also I have hives all over my feet because of the merino wool socks. ITS SO ITCHY OMG. I need my creepers back. It sucks but I have to suffer until I can get different socks which I don’t think will be anytime soon