Day 18: Why Is It Always Prettiest When I Am Tired and Ready To Be Done

Unmarked Tentsite (278.6) - Unmarked Tentsite (303.9) | Mileage: 25.3

Hiking is an emotional rollercoaster.

I woke up groggy and very disinterested in hiking and very cold but very much having to pee. And Maddie was somehow super peppy and had been up for a hour being productive and journaling and was ready and excited to start hiking. Ugh.

So I put on my still wet from sweat shorts and sun hoodie and shivered aggressively in the frigid morning air and wondered grumpily why SoCal wasn’t ever hot like I thought it was supposed to be. And I numbly put the stuff Maddie handed me into our backpacks in the proper order still half asleep. And I tried to do some bodyweight squats to loosen up the very tight, somewhat injured quad that was really hurting me and I worried if maybe I’d have to get off trail to rest it because it was really sore and was really scaring me. And I thought grumpily about how if I wasn’t race walking to keep up with Maddie’s stressy I-need-to-outrun-the-virus pace I wouldn’t be hurt but also I knew that it’s obviously not fair to blame Maddie for my injury but also I wanted to blame someone that was not myself hmph.

But then it magically got warmer and Maddie was super efficient in packing up and we were hiking by 7:05 which was the earliest start yet and the hiking wasn’t hurting my quad so I did a dramatic involuntary mood shift and started to feel buoyant and happy. And we walked through the still, peaceful woods and caught glimpses of Big Bear through the trees and chatted about how we could start listening to podcasts or practicing Spanish while hiking. And I felt so lucky and grateful that I was spending my weekday morning strolling through the trees rather than staring at an office computer and this is my life now how insane and perfect.

But then. We hit a long downhill and my quad began to tighten and tighten and tighten until it felt like it was crunching with every step and I couldn’t put any weight on it and I was using the poles as crutches practically, pushing down on them aggressively every time I had to use my left leg and swinging on them down hills and hopping with just my right leg. And I tried to stretch and poke on it but it got worse and worse and worse until it was buckling whenever I tried to pull through with my quad like a normal walking motion. So I limp-walked in an angry self-pitying haze while Maddie chatted at me and stressed about the people and sites we passed and if they maybe had norovirus and I felt even more frustrated and self-pitying and responded with grumpy mono-syllable answers which made her sad which made me even more self-pitying and grumpy. And she tried to be nice and supportive and said we could rest or take a zero or hitch out but that also made me angry and self-pitying because I didn’t want to quit or do less or hold us up and I didn’t like feeling weak and bad at thru-hiking. And we had to cross streams with no rocks to rock-hop, not that I’d even be able to with my leg and so my shoes and socks got all soaking wet and the tape over my blisters started to pull on them and hurt hurt hurt and I felt like crying angry tears at everything and I was mad at the PCT because it’s supposed to be fun and happy and I’m supposed to be strong and good at hiking.

And this went on for seven miles until we finally got to mile fifteen which is where I said we could take our lunch break. So we did one last river crossing and got our feet soaking wet again and then we sat on the rocks and took off our shoes and socks to dry them and Maddie and I ate cold soaked oats with Bear Naked granola and chocolate protein powder-instant coffee mix. And we both stopped feeling hangry and my quad didn’t hurt because I was sitting and Maddie was cute again and made me laugh and I felt a little better - happy and content but still apprehensive because I didn’t want to walk again and have all that hurt but I wanted to go 25 miles because we said we were doing a big mile day and Sweet Pea definitely was and I wanted to catch up. And we sat for an hour and it was only 1:50 after that hour which was so earlier to be at already fifteen miles for the day which felt pretty cool and good especially for doing it with an injured leg.

And then we were off hiking again and somehow my leg didn’t hurt so much anymore! Which was kinda magic and a huge endorphin rush and even though I was still limp walking down the hills and using my poles as kinda crutches I was like okay I think I can make it all the way to Wrightwood I think maybe I will be okay-ish after all. And we wound through the sand stubby bushes and they poked me and it was hot hot hot and boring boring boring but I felt okay enough and that was good enough.

And then I checked my phone and there was a message from Sweet Pea that he was hanging out at the bridge just a mile ahead and that was AWESOME because I thought we were sooo slow on account of me but that means we weren’t that horribly slow and also we have a friend and also he wants to camp with us again tonight and isn’t going way farther than us! And also Sweet Pea wanted to get to mile 300 which was only like a mile and a half past the bridge which was only a mile away from where we were which meant that we would be doing 21.5 miles which was not a super long day and meant we’d be done soon but it was a valid distance because someone else was driving it.

So then we arrived the bridge and hung out under it on the rocks above the river and felt nice and relaxed but also I wanted to go go go so we could get to our site early and be done for the day early at 5:00 or 5:30 which would be the first time we would be early to our site in weeks and I could catch up on some journals and to-dos and have some leisure time. And I fantasized about how nice that would be to cook in the still-daylight warmth and not set up in the dark and feel like not every second of every day was literally just walking like it had been recently.

And then finally we were moving and I estimated we would get to a site around 5:30ish. And Sweet Pea and Maddie zoomed ahead and I fell behind because of my quad but I didn’t mind because we would be done so soon and also it was starting to feel magically better somehow. Not like fixed, definitely still a huge tight sore knot, but manageable, like I could put weight on it and use it and not feel like it was rupturing every step. And every couple corners I’d come around they’d be waiting for me which was so sweet.

And then finally we came around a corner and it was the 300 mile marker!!!!!! Which was SO EXCITING for a few minutes because wow we’ve come so far and it hasn’t even been that long. But then it reminded me that we were supposed to be done now except that thinking about it and looking at the terrain we were on a very exposed ridge with a super steep grade slope above and below us that dropped dramatically off into a river far below. And I remembered that on FarOut this whole stretch didn’t have any marked sites and now I’m thinking that might be because there are no sites because of the terrain, rather than there being sites that are just unmarked which is was we were expecting based on the previous couple days. Ugh. That means more walking. We look on FarOut and the next marked site looks like it’s 4.1 miles away so another hour and a half I guess.

And my leg is starting to hurt again because there are some downhills and those seem to always hurt the worst. But also, it’s hitting 5:30 and even though this is always when I am tired and ready to be done and so excited to sit and eat and set up camp, for some reason this is always when we loiter the most and take the most photos because IT IS SO PRETTY. And it has now been enough days of hiking at this time of day thinking omg this is so stunningly beautiful this is the best scenery yet that I am starting to think it’s not just that particular scenery but the fading light and the golden hour just making the hills and the sky and the mountains and the valleys and the path look like some sort of ethereal realm that I can’t believe exists. So I limp my way along the winding path, lined with vibrant, delicate yellow and pink and blue and purple flowers, a single track of sandy rock that maintains a mostly level height midway up the foothills from the river at the bottom of the valley far below. And we wend in and out in and out, following the river far down below, a shimmery silver sometimes white and foamy and rushing and sometimes serene and clear and dark, snaking around tall white boulder whose smooth faces jut out of the ground beside the river. And above us the tips of the mountains glow pink with the setting sun, backlight by the hazy pink and blue sky that fades into the horizon.

And finally I round a corner and see Maddie and Sweet Pea sitting on the trail up ahead and we are at our campsite! Except that it’s full so they reconnoiter the area to see if there are any overlooked sites while I stretch my leg and just when we are despairing that there is really nothing sweet pea comes running around the bend and there is another cleared area 0.1 ahead and it is perfect and up high and overlooking the river below and we have it all to ourselves. So we climb one last hill and set up our tents and cook our dinners and chat and chat and chat and the stars come out and it gets cold and then we are in our sleeping bags and we did a big day after all and I am happy and a little sore and hoping I will feel okay for tomorrow.